Do these shorts make my butt look big?
by Clint Hosman on February 13th, 2008
How great is a new kit? I will tell you, pretty freaking sweet that’s how great. I got the final piece of the new Evomo Team gear and it looks just about as cool as anything possibly could be. But what’s better is I got to go put it to use in actual combat this afternoon at the local crit series that started last week. It’s sad to say that I have been racing bikes for almost 8 years now and I have never raced a crit or any other road race for that matter. I was really embarrassed when I was registering and the guy was like “hold the phone you sand bagging son of a bitch, you’re a Semi Pro. You can’t race in CAT 5.”(Some artistic liberties may have been taken by the writer in recounting this interchange.)Unfortunately, I had to explain my shame and promise not break out any of the new moves I learned last week in training regarding pimp slapping slower riders and all around thuggury on a bike.
Once I had received my shame for never racing road I suited up in my new threads and instantly I felt faster. I think the new shorts do make my ass look a bit bigger. I am okay with this though as I do live in the hood and the girls love to see the junk in my trunk. I did a few practice laps around the course before lining up for my first race on skinny tires. The first race I did consisted mostly of junior riders. No problem, I thought, I got these little punks for 15 minutes. When the bell sounded though It was a different story, those little ankle bitters swarmed me like I was the only house on the block with candy on Halloween. After a couple of laps in the midst of these little hooligans I was about to reach back my pimp hand but remembered that my Evomo Special training had to be kept on the DL for this race, and the little basterds proceeded to clean my clock.
I didn’t have any time to catch my breath after the first round because, 5 minutes later it was round two with the increased field of riders with the 5’s and the 4’s. This time the punishment went on for 20 minutes. Again I was surrounded by a pack of thick legged little monkeys and I had to fight for position. This time I couldn’t keep it and got blown out the back and ended up carrying around the slow group of about 15 riders for the last half of the race.
After my first experience road racing I can say it is completely different then the mountain as far as strategy goes. The huge efforts to stay with the lead pack though are similar and is exactly what I need to kick start my intensity training. Of course I had to bring a little mountain love to the field with my cleats and mountain peddles. You can take the boy out of the trailer park but you sure as hell can’t take the trailer park out of the boy.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
If anything they make your cash and prizes bigger too… no need for the banana.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Never promise not to use your Pimp hand, you only handicap yourself young grasshopper.