How to become an angry cycling gorilla.
by Clint Hosman on October 24th, 2008
A couple weeks ago on a group ride a question came up between a couple guys in front of me about riding a road bike with mountain pedals. They allowed as how no one does it because it’s just silly, I chimed in with “T-Rav rides on mountain pedals.†“Really? T-Rav is riding mountain pedals?†Some one else chimed in saying “Did you ever hear the story about how T-Rav beat down two teenagers at a stop light for slapping his ass?†“What the crap, are you serious?†responded the other “O-yea†said the first “apparently some kids slapped his ass in traffic but then got stuck at the next light. T-Rav was so enraged he tore off their mirror and then knocked them both out when they got out to confront him.†A silence feel between the two and all you could hear was the churning of wheels and cranks when finally the other responded “I guess he can use whatever kind of pedals he wants then.â€
It’s strange how lore starts within any group of people. In cyclist a person has to create their reputation one hill climb, one line sprint, and one amazing race at a time. Below is a list of possible ways to create a legend for yourself. Keep in mind some of these things may have already been done by the original Ruckus bringer himself so try to invent your own and not steal his, it could be dangerous.
#1 Establish your dominance over a pack of roadies by smoking them for 50 miles on a fixed gear. When they ask you with fear in their eyes every other week if you brought your fixie out to play you know they respect the authority.
#2 Have tails told about how when climbing, not deciding, you snapped the top tube of a steal frame into two peaces. This one I saw with my own eyes, the man stood up on the pedals cranking the bike back and forth when the air was stabbed with the sound of rending metal. Sure enough two peaces right across the top.
#3 Drive point #2 home by breaking every other mountain bike you own in like manner on a yearly bases.
#4 Stop with every person on the group ride who has a flat and stay with them until they have it fixed. As friendly as this one sounds it’s actually a subtitle intimidation. As it turns out people fix tires much quicker with a 6’4 210 pound man staring at them while they fix the tire. But you can play this one off to seem friendly at least and size does help the intimidation.
#5 Have so much scare tissue on your knees from going down that when you fall in the future and tear open the knee it doesn’t bleed. Scare tissue as I found out isn’t full of capillaries at all, just weird white grisly skin.
These are all just suggestions and your ability to carry them out depends on a number of variables but I think you get the right idea.
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I think those are all great suggestions. Also, consider carrying a knife like I do. I keep it clipped to my ergon pack right on the shoulder strap where everyone can see it and know that I will cut them if they cross me. Plus its good for fighting off cougars and pumas.
If you really got the balls, pack a 9mm in the back pocket of your jersey.
Roland Green used to race on the road with his XTR MTB pedals. He was also known to have horrific crashes that left much scar tissue on his face. Of course he has a few rainbow jerseys in his closet.
As far as packing goes maybe the new Evomo kit will feature a real pistol. What do you think Bryan?
I hear Brett Miller actually carries an M-4 assault weapon that he brought back from Iraq on road rides….